Rapture
by lucratcia
Summary: Duo questions everything he does with his best friend, confused by the feelings that are growing inside. Memories of the Father Maxwell, Sister Helen, and the Church are clear in his mind along with the teachings deeply ingrained into him from that young
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Yep, this popped into my head while listening to the radio and playing my game. The song Rapture is not my own. I am taking the original meaning that I got from this song and putting it here. I will also use the lyrics as I see fit. Should be a one-shot, but who knows. I have to get this out of my head if I'm going to finish my other story.

Warning: In no way do I agree with the views of Duo in this story. Any flames at all will be gladly accepted since my fiance loves to keep our room freezing at night and I can't sleep half the time.

Summary: Duo questions everything he does with his best friend, confused by the feelings that are growing inside. Memories of the Father Maxwell, Sister Helen, and the Church are clear in his mind along with the teachings deeply ingrained into him from that young age. What is going to happen when he finds out that Heero has the feelings that aren't quite the friendship type?

Rapture

It was wrong. No, this won't work. Guys don't like other guys, it's just not right.

It was after the whole Relena being kidnapped incident. We were all going to go our seperate ways. Somehow we ended up at the Preventers and living relatively close to one another. Heero and I decided to share an apartment. For company, for putting up less money for a place to live, for my torture apparently. Why did I have to open my big mouth and ask for a room mate.

flashback

"Hey Hee-chan!" I yell across the room. The meeting was over. We gundam wonders were just accepted as the youngest members in Preventers. We were finally dismissed and it was time to get the Hell out of dodge, as I like to say. I could see Heero cringe as I yelled. Too bad he couldn't tell how nervous I was. I make my way over to him, dodging Quatre with his million and one sisters, the reporters, the Relena fans. I drape my arm across his shoulders and steered him towards the door.

"How about we go grab a bite of lunch?" I ask him hoping against all hopes that he says yes. It would be kind of awkward to try to ask the question that is wanting to jump out of my mouth right here in front of everybody. "I have a place not too far from here. We could go there." I knew that he was staying in a hotel room and didn't really have anywhere else to go. It must have been my lucky day because Heero nodded his consent before he shrugged out from under my arm.

We walked out of the building into the late afternoon sun glaring into our eyes and the pavement hotter than Hades' home. I jerked out my thumb and pulled Heero into a cab that screeched to a halt at the curbside. He was silent all the way to the complex, but I rattled on enough to fill the silence. We went to my place. It wasn't overly large. Two bedrooms, a kitchen nook, decent living room, large bathroom, even a small study area. Two bedrooms... that's why I had invited him here.

Friends. That's what friends do. Try to help each other out. You don't lust after your best friend. Especially when said best friend was also a guy. Yes, I had started to get these feelings for Heero. Not some lets be friends feelings either... Everytime a thought such as that comes up the guilt threatens to spill over.

We made small talk as I fixed our sandwiches. We sat at the small bar that seperated the kitchen nook and the living room. The blinds to the balcony were open, letting the sunlight stream in. I finally worked up the courage to ask him and the butterflies were having a hayday in my stomach. He is a friend, he is a friend, he is a friend. It became a mantra that I repeated over and over in my little mind trying to calm my nerves.

"You going to go back to the hotel room for now?" I ask around a mouthful of food.

"Hn." That was what I got for an answer. I rolled my eyes.

"What do you think of this place?" He looked around, a slight look of confusion showing on his face.

"A good size while still pratical," he answered in a monotone.

"There's two rooms here," I add. He just stared at me as if saying so what. Oh boy, this was going to be fun. "Well, I know you don't have a place. This is close to HQ. The rent isn't horribly expensive. Plus, I would go nuts without a room mate. Trowa and Quatre are going to go live at one of Q-man's mansions. Wufei is going to hole up somewhere. He can't stand me too much anyways," I say all this in one breath. I realise that I was rambling and I had totally missed what Heero had said.

"Huh?" I say intelligently.

"I said yes." He just sat back in that chair as if it was the most comfortable thing ever with a content little smile just barely gracing his lips.

end flashback

I grab the cold cross that falls against my chest. It's held on a long box chain and reflects the glaring sunlight at just the right angle. I grab the small momento of the Maxwell Church and press my lips against it in a desperate kiss.

"Father up in Heaven, keep me strong. Keep my mind from straying..." I mumble under my breath, throwing the prayer to the sky above me.

Even as I say these things my eyes wander over to my once comrade in arms. Mr. Perfect Soldier Yuy sat at the desk across the room, prussian blue eyes rivited on his laptop like there was no tomorrow.

flashback

"Duo, you are a slob," Heero called from the bathroom. I was in the kitchen making coffee. It was early and boy do I hate mornings. I just grumbled a reply to him as he walked in and grabbed a cup of coffee.

"Duo, rinse your dishes," he says one night after dinner.

"Duo, keep your dirty laundry out of the bathroom," he'll say after I take a shower.

"Duo, turn that music off," he complains when he's on that laptop of his.

What did I do to deserve this? He is so anal and so picky about every single thing. Nothing is perfect enough for him, nothing! Well, except for my cooking. He likes that. And how I'll drive in the mornings. He isn't the greatest of morning people either. A feeling of warmth starts to fill me and I immediately question wether or not it's the friendship feeling or the more than friends feeling. I had been getting more of the latter recently.

end flashback

My eyes, with a mind of their own, roamed up and down Heero's body. Or what I could see of it anyways. The desk blocked a good portion of of his body and the laptop almost hid his face. But I could see those eyes and well chisled face, the mop of messy brown hair that seemed unable to be tamed. His feet, slightly set apart resting flat on the floor, socks that barely covered his angles, leading up to slender very muscled legs.

Why do I do this to myself? I ask. My mind is whirling a million miles a minute. Guilt wells up inside me like some bile after eating something that was no longer any good. My stomach clenches and the back of my throat burns and I feel like the air is thicker than water. Great, the beginings of a panic attack on top of the gut wrenching guilt. I can just imagine the hurt and disapointment in Father Maxwell's eyes. The disgust in Sister Helen's eyes. Gays don't go to heaven. They don't. I don't want that to be the deciding factor of not getting myself there. Yes, I've done some awful things, even killed, numerous times. I even took up the name God of Death. But God forgives those things, right? All I have to do is ask. Ask and pray and confess.

Choosing to be gay, now that was another thing. It is a conscious decision, right? You're not born liking the same gender. It can't be. God wouldn't let us be born that way when it says in the Book that its wrong. -Choosing- to like your room mate, your partner, your friend, of the same gender is turning your back on God, isn't it? Well, ISN'T IT?! I can't do that. No. Can't disapoint those that raised me, took me in and cared for me. They didn't have to do that. Can't let them down. Even though they are long since dead and gone.

I tighten my grip on my small cross. A small metal object, a symbol of faith. Am I even worth wearing such a thing? My head aches as I fight the thoughts of my room mate and the overwhelming guilt that threatens to swallow me whole.

flashback

I fumble with the door key as I try to find the small keyhole in the dark hallway. It's late. It was an extremely long day at work full of paper work and lectures and a screaming Une as she tore into her newest field agents for their mistakes. Of course this had to happen right outside -my- office. Even with the door shut Une was loud enough to cause a migraine.

I literally stumble into the apartment tripping over my own two feet, causing the edge of the doormat to fold upwards which I tripped over and basically ran into the wall. I mutter long lines of obscenities as I reach for the light.

"Duo?" Heero called from down the hallway somewhere.

"Yeah," I holler back, very grouchy and did not want to put up with some type of lecture from my room mate. Unlike me, he actually got out of work on time tonight. Me? I had to catch up on all the paperwork I didn't get to throughout the week. Yeah, I procrastinate. So shoot me.

I looked up as the hall light came on. Heero was was walking out of the bathroom, one towel thrown on his head and another wrapped around his waist. He must have grabbed the stolen hotel ones out of the closet. It was tiny, barely circling his waist and leaving little to the imagination. I felt my eyes widen at the sight of a wet skinned Heero walking down the hall in my direction, completely oblivious of my discomfort. Of course, why would he suspect me being uncomfortable? We had both been dressed in less at times. We fought in a war together. There was no room for modesty in a war.

He must have noticed something was up cause he paused at the entrance of the living room. I don't know, it could have been my hitched breathing, my oggling eyes, or the red tinge that was definitely crawling its way across my face. Whatever it was, he lowered his arms, towel in hand, and leaned causually against the wall with a hint of a smile on his face. Yes, Heero Yuy is smiling.

Once again guilt gnaws at my insides and threatens to push out what little I had for dinner onto the floor. The guilt was so thick and so complete that I could have just fallen to the floor right there. But, that wouldn't do. I couldn't make myself out to be a bigger idiot in front of Heero. I was already the loud mouthed baka, the hyper active forever going to be a kid, guy.

"You're home late," he says softly. No, you think? It was my turn to grunt an answer to him. I took off my shoes and threw them into a corner. I could feel Heero roll his eyes at that one. I make my way to the kitchen to get a drink as I pull off my tie and drop it somewhere on the floor.

"Long night?" he asks. His voice was just as soft again. I hear him moving towards me, probably to fix my shoes and pick up my tie, maybe even my jacket that I have thrown over the small counter bar, but did he have to do this in a towel? A tiny towel none the less.

"Nope, just the regular working four hours more than usual, having paperwork piled a foot high on the corner of my desk, and Une torturing some idiot field agents outside my door," I retort nastily. Glass of water in hand, I search for the asprin. Of course I can't find it. I turn to walk to my room, I always have some in there, and find myself almost nose to nose with none other than my wet-skinned room mate. To my surprise, he has a look of concern on his face.

"Gah! Heero, don't sneak up behind me," I say probably louder than I needed to. He shrugs and hands me the bottle of asprin from who knows where. "Uh, thanks."

"You should - "

"Look Heero, I don't need any of your lectures on anything right now. I'm really not in the mood right now," I started calmly, but my voice was steadily raising in volume.

"All that I was going to say is that you should take it easy and rest," Heero stated, that eyebrow of his raised. Well, crap, don't I feel like a heel now. All the anger I had inside left me in a big woosh and suddenly I was just very tired. "How about a movie?" His voice was a slightly higher pitch than normal. This would should have sent warning signals or some type of something going through my head. But, noooo, I was still trying to process that Mr. Anti-social wanted to watch a movie.

"Uh." Yeah, go me for making intelligent sounds.

"Or not. Maybe I'll go work on my laptop." Did he sound disapointed? There was something else for my shocked brain cells to wrap around. He turned to leave. Of course I wanted to watch a movie. It's normal for two guy friends to want to hang out and watch a movie right? Right? Before he could walk away, I reached out and grabbed his arm.

"Oi Hee-chan, hold it. I'm sorry. Yes I had a long and tiring day. I would love to watch a movie. You pick?" He nods.

"I will go and change," he said stoicly, but there is a glint of something in his eye. Maybe I had imagined it, but this was turning out to be a good evening.

end flashback

I must have been praying a little too loud again. Heero shifts, makes just the slightest bit of noise while doing so. I can feel those eyes on me. No use fighting it. I take a calming breath and meet his stare. He has one eyebrow raised oh so elegantly as he looks at me. His face isn't even totally blank. He has a questioning look, waiting for me to speak my mind, knowing that I will if given long enough. I can feel heat crawling up my neck and settling on my cheeks as I blush. He sees this and his face softens and gives a small smirk.

"Ne Heero, my mumblings too loud for you to concentrate over there?" I asked brightly, my jester's mask firmly in place, my smile as big as it would go.

"Baka," he says with a smile. A smile! Hot dog, where'd that come from? He turned back to his laptop saying nothing else, without another look in my direction. I had begun to notice in the past couple of weeks of rooming with Heero, that the guy actually had some feelings under there. Never did he show any emotion outside of this apartment though. At work, in public, he was always the same. Stoic, unmoving, unfeeling, uncaring. But here, at home, yes home, he relaxed. I could see it. Slowly at first, but more and more he lets go.

Every couple of days now we'll have a movie night. Whoever gets home first picks out the movie and makes sure there is plenty of popcorn to be made. Take out is always a must, either pizza or chinese. We would grab a blanket and some pillows and one of us would crash on the couch, one on the floor. At first he just sat all straight and stiff, but seeing me time after time just sprawled out all over the place, I think he finally got the hint that it was ok to relax.

The silence stretched on, but the smile remained. Something inside my head was doing a happy dance and my nerves were all giddy. Gah! I can't be doing this. I try to force these things, these thoughts with a mind of their own, to the back of my mind. It doesn't work. My little conscience woke up and started screaming at me that this is wrong. Besides, Heero would hardly be the type to be gay. Even if he was, that was his choice. I'm not going to come out and tell him, hey that's wrong. My beliefs are my own, I don't need to go shoving them off on somebody else. But me on the other hand, I can't feel this way. It's just not right. Suddenly, the apartment was too small and Heero was just too close for comfort.

"I'm going out," I say shortly. I stand and grab my jacket as I slid my shoes on.

"Chinese or pizza tonight?" Heero asks without looking up from that piece of machinary his fingers were just click clacking away on.

"Heh?"

"Movie night. I'll order food here in about an hour. Which do you prefer?" He had actually stopped typing for a minute and was staring at me. Great, just peachy. The one time I don't want to be near him and he wants to be buddy buddy and do a movie night. I swear somebody up there just doesn't like me or that He was testing me. Maybe that was it. Maybe this was to see if I could be normal, behave, get rid of these awful thoughts of Heero and his body out of my mind.

"Duo?"

"Huh? Oh, umm, yeah. Pizza will be fine," I stutter, tripping over my tongue.

"Pepperoni?"

"Sure."

"You want to grab that new action flick you wanted to see while you are out?" Since when did he notice what movies I want to see? And pepperoni pizza? I -know- he isn't crazy about that kind of food.

"Sure," I mumble with a confused look on my face. He nods to me, his features soft in the waning afternoon light and returns to typing. I throw him another strange look as I leave the apartment. The city we lived in was quite large. Good thing we lived near a smaller shopping district. Neither of us needed a car seeing as we could walk or take a cheap cab to anywhere within town. I decided to walk. Walking did the mind and body good. Well, most of the time anyways. It seemed only to serve the purpose of allowing more questions to fly through my head.

Since when was Heero the talkative one?

When did he start to care about the food I liked or the movies I wanted to watch?

He smiled at me. Yes, a smile. A couple of them actually.

Baka. Idiot. He doesn't like you any more than he should. As friends, nothing else.

Baka, that's what he called me.

Why is it when he said it, it was endearing?

Maybe I only saw it as endearing.

Maybe he does think I'm an idiot.

He wants to watch a movie tonight. A movie that -I- wanted to see.

Why?

Why was he so, so what? Friendly?

About gosh darn time he was. I'm always the one coming up with things to do, starting the conversations. Well, not always. He was usually home earlier than I and got the movie nights ready. So it wasn't -always-.

But why my food and movie? Maybe it was no big deal. I'm blowing this way out of proportion. It's nothing. That's all this is, nothing.

It actually took me about an hour to get to the movie rental place, find the thing, and drag my sorry ass back to the apartment. It was late Saterday afternoon, the sun just starting to set. People came out in swarms as the sun was going down. Being as small as I am it was kinda hard squeezing my way threw the crowds. But finally, I made it through my door to the aroma of pepperoni pizza. And there was Heero, dressed in a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt that suspiciously looked like mine, getting paper plates out of the cupboard. Just the look of him running around in sweats was enough to make me laugh.

"What?" Heero asks with this look of pure innocence on his face. That by itself made me laugh harder. After I could finally breathe I took off my shoes and jacket then helped Heero with the food and drinks.

"Is that my t-shirt that you are wearing there Hee-chan?" I ask teasingly and I was rewarded with a blush. I must admit that Heero Yuy looks very cute with a blush. As I think this my conscience rears its ugly head and yells at me that this whole thing was wrong. I said screw you guilt, I'll pay for this later, and shoved it down as far as it would go. "Mr. Yuy, blushing?" I taunted.

"Baka," he said with a glare that was nowhere near the caliber it once was. I just laughed it off and carried my share of food into the living room and plopped down on the floor with my back against the couch. Then I had to get up to put the movie in because I forgot. All the lights were shut off leaving the room in darkness until the previews started.

"Why don't you sit on the couch? There is plenty of room." This surprises me so much that I almost dropped my plate of pizza. I almost say huh again, much to my embarrassment. Instead I plop down on the opposite end of the couch. I thought I heard a sigh from from Heero, but looking at him, his face was as impassive as ever. We were both silent as we dug into our food and settled in to watch the movie. I was so into the movie that I hardly realised that Heero had stood up and took our dishes into the kitchen. What I -did- notice was when Heero came back into the living room he sat right beside me with a bowl of popcorn.

"Popcorn?" he asks. He has this look of pure innocense on his face like he had no clue how much he was torturing me and that he would never do such a thing. His eyes told me otherwise. They said he knew exactly what he was doing and enjoying every minute of it. The temperature in the room, or at least the area around the couch, felt as if it rose about ten degrees.

"Sure," I say as a scoot closer to him, I mean closer to the bowl of popcorn. I shout this in my mind that it was the popcorn I was getting closer to. Can't deny my stomach junk food, now can I? Hell, who was I kidding? The person that gave me migraines from arguing with myself was actually sitting right next to me by his choice alone. This was wrong and I knew it, but I just couldn't find the reason to care at the moment. Oh yeah, the whole going to Hell thing... well, I'll deal with that later. Yes, later.

What is he trying to pull?

I think he knows... he has to know.

Did he catch me staring at him?

Wouldn't he be mad?

Shouldn't he be mad?

This makes no sense.

This is Heero you're sitting next to. Your best friend, remember? This is my inner conscience yelling at me and trying to burst this sudden happiness feeling that I have growing within me. I squash it and send it packing. Heero is a guy. Guys like girls. Not some guy that tries to look like a girl with a three foot braid. It still tries to whisper to me. I take a mental scythe, cut my little conscience in half, and wish it a happy after-life.

I give a contented little sigh as my mind is finally silent. I settle into the couch, getting more comfortable, totally chowing down on the buttery salty goodness also known as popcorn. The light from the t.v. flashed on the wall making shadows jump across the room. The surround sound system that I had installed only made the effects better and I was totally into the movie.

"Man they make Wufei look like some type of novice, ne Heero?" I say absent mindedly while still totally enthralled by the martial arts moves that were being performed on the screen. This time I didn't even get a grunt for an answer. I turned my head and realised that Heero was staring at me with a very intense look. At that look my brain took a holiday, my stomach clenched itself into a holy mess of knots, and everything else went numb. It wasn't a pissed off I'm going to kill you look either. Exactly what it was, I couldn't describe. I think I knew what it was but I refuesed to even dare to hope for it.

Nervousness took on a whole new level as there was nothing but silence stretching between us. Well, silence, a bowl of popcorn, and about two inches of sofa space. What does one Duo Maxwell do when caught off guard and almost paralyzed with nervousness? He makes a joke, of course. I picked up a piece of popcorn and flicked it at Heero and was rewarded by a perfect bullseye.It hit the side of his nose and bounced back into the bowl. His eyes widened just a bit and I started to think that I was a deadman for all the reaction I got out of him, or rather a lack of reaction.

He suddenly moved with a sparkle in his eyes. I threw myself back, expecting the worse and got a handful of popcorn in my face. I had my mouth open in a perfect little 'O' of surprise, which Heero took as an invitation and threw more popcorn at me, with some landing in my mouth. I spit them out and try to sputter out something, anything, but the words just didn't want to.

"Oh my. Is the great Shinigami for once speechless?" Heero taunted in almost a sing song voice. Well crap, where in the world did this come from?

"Who are you and how did you manage to kill Heero?" I retorted when my voice finally decided to find its way out of my mouth. I have a huge grin on my face and for once its not some face jester's mask. I saw that he had another handful of popcorn ready to throw at me. I was able to duck under the popcorn assault as I grabbed a pillow and swung at his head, totally missing.

"The great Shini, way to slow," he taunted with a laugh. "Maybe if I sit still you could actually hit me."

"I'll show you who is slow!" I yell as I jump to my feet almost taking the bowl of popcorn with me. Trying to keep the bowl from spilling onto the floor, Heero lunged to try to catch it. I couldn't let this opportunity pass up since he was completely off guard, so I slammed my pillow into his shoulder with a loud cry of victory, knocking him to the floor and popcorn going everywhere.

"You'll pay for that," he growls as he grabs for my feet. I dance away with a laugh only to trip over the bowl and land hard on my butt. Heero grabs two large handfuls of the stuff and launches them at me as I try to use the pillow as a shield. Seeing that the popcorn was no longer having any affect, Heero grabbed the other lone couch pillow and came running towards me. I scrambled to my feet, jumped onto the couch and sprung over the back side, sticking my tongue out at him the whole time. A complete pillow fight ensues including some sweep kicks, punching, some more jumping over the couch and end tables, and more throwing of the popcorn.

The "fight" came to an abrupt end when I tried to jump over the couch again, using the cushions of the couch as a step stool, and Heero tackled me to the couch. I tried to wriggle free, but he grabbed both my hands and pinned them above my head. He shifted so that he was sitting on my thighs with a knee to each side of me, thoroughly pinning me to the couch. We were both out of breath as if we had just finished a marathon. I could feel his heartbeat and could see the vein pulse at the side of his neck. Heat radiated off his skin, dancing across mine, making it even harder to breathe.

"I think I won," he said, his voice low and husky. My eyes travel up his body and finally met his. I forgot to breathe. I forgot what actual air was as I stared up into those deep prussian blue eyes. They were clouded with desire and it was for nobody else but me. -I- was on the recieving end of that look.

My mind was screaming that this was wrong that I shouldn't be like this, in this type of position. My body was screaming back for it to take a hike as it was having enough trouble comprehending why in the world would this be wrong when it felt so good. I had Heero Yuy on top of me. On top of me! Oh yeah, that whole gay thing. That whole gay people go to Hell thing. Later. Right now this feels way to good and any argument my mind throws my way isn't really making that much of a difference.

"So beautiful," Heero says almost too softly that I hardly catch it. My eyes widen in suprise and I opened my mouth to ask what in the world was going on when I realised that I couldn't talk even if I had wanted to. Heero had chosen that moment to lean forward and kiss me.

Time completely froze as everything disapeared around me. Everything but this man above me, kissing me. His lips were so soft and gentle as they pressed against mine, so warm. I close my eyes in pure delight and a soft moan escapes through my lips. Too soon he began to pull away. With a small whine in the back of my throat, I lean forward and steal a searing kiss of my own. Unlike the one before it, this kiss was hot, needy, and demanding. Heero gasped and whimpered against my lips. Those sounds sent tenderals of pleasure coursing through my veins leaving me to gasp in need.

Heero's toungue pushed passed my lips and into my mouth. I reached out tentatively with my own, carefully tasting this invader of my mouth. When our toungues met, an electric shock ran through my body. Sweet and spicey at the same time and I wanted more. My back arched up, my body seeking out his. The need to touch and be touched was almost too great to stand. My body went up, his came down. Body against body we met seperated only by the thin layer of clothing each of us wore. I struggled to free my hands so that I could touch this being above me. This only made Heero tighten his grip more which only served to make me aroused even more, painfully so. We finally broke the kiss, both of us with our eyes half closed and breathing hard.

"Beautiful," He whispered as his free hand traced my skin across my cheek and along my jawline. Heero's soft voice, him speaking so gently to me sent my mind and body straight up to heaven.

Heaven... that word means something to me. I looked up and saw Heero, a -man-, looking down at me with lust filled eyes. Reality came crashing down on me, bringing with it the worst kind of fear and my conscience screaming close behind. My eyes opened wide and a strangled wail clawed its way through my throat. I struggled free of Heero, kicking and clawing, and pushing as if my very life depended on it. This most horrid look of hurt and confusion was on his face and -I- had caused it. Something inside of me was screaming apologies as the rest of me just wanted to get away and fast.

"Duo?" Heero questioned. He realised something was wrong and scrambled way as best as he could trying to avoid my flailing limbs. Even the perfect soldier couldn't dodge all of my kicks and punches. "Duo!" he said in a voice that was supposed to calm me. But, it was too soft, too soft and caring to be coming from Heero.

"Duo what is wrong?" he reached towards me, trying to rassure me. Part of me knew this, but the rest of my body didn't want to believe it. I renewed my efforts of fleeing and with a sharp cry I shoved away from Heero landing hard on the floor. I tried to scramble to my fee, obscenities streaming from my mouth, but I could not find any purchase on the popcorn covered carpet. I could hear Heero through my mumblings asking me what did he do, what was wrong. Didn't he understand that everything that just happened was wrong? Maybe not for him, but definitely for me it was. I scoot backwards on my butt using my hands and feet until my back is up against the wall.

"Duo, just calm down. Tell me what is wrong," Heero pleaded. I used the wall as support and pulled myself upright. What I had just done was wrong, so wrong. What is going to happen to me now? I turned and stumbled down the hall almost sobbing and words pouring out incoherently. I reached my door. I could hear him coming towards me, still speaking softly, but very worried. Wait this is Heero, he doesn't get worried. But, why is he coming towards me with that emotion laced through his voice. Who could he be worried about? Me? No, it has to be that he is worried about what I think of him now after we did... did that... did that horrible mess out in the living room. I tried to open the door, but I couldn't seem to grab the handle well enough to get it to turn all the way.

He's so close. Only a couple of feet away. His eyes are opened wide and his mouth is moving forming some words. Words that I don't want to hear, words that I can't hear through this fear that threatens to overwhelm me. If I listened to him, I would run to him and ask him to hold me, ask him to make it all go away, to make this all go away, but I can't. It's just not right and just should not happen. I'm openly sobbing now. I can't believe that I kissed my best friend, my best guy friend. Finally, the door knob turns just enough that the door opens and I fall into my room. I scramble to slam the door shut and lock it quickly. I run to my bed and throw myself onto it grabbing my cross whispering, crying, praying, begging for some sort of forgiveness. I didn't want to go to Hell for one decision. I needed to be strong, become stronger, be able to resist temptation. That was all, that's all I needed to do.

I was still sobbing, but at least I wasn't hyperventilating anymore. I was able to breathe and I was slowly calming down and starting to be able to relax. I could hear the vacuum cleaner running in the living room. Mr. Perfect must be cleaning up the popcorn that was all over the flor and the couch. I was almost asleep with my cross held tightly in my hand and my lips pressed against its cool surface when there was a knock on my door. I ignored it, willing him to go away. Of course this doesn't work.

"Duo open the door," Heero called from the other side sternly. There wasn't any anger in his voice that I could hear. "I know that you are awake, I heard you move. Now open this door."

"Just leave me be Heero."

"What did I do wrong? If anything, I would say that you wanted to do that as bad as I did." That's the problem. I wanted those kisses and those touches and more. I have wanted them for a long time and I want more. God help me, I wanted more.

"I can't Heero," I cried out. "I can't do that."

AN:Yeah, it -was- supposed to be a one shot... but guess what? My little muse said post it as is so I can go and work on other musings. Huanted Memories -is- getting worked on, its just being very difficult. This one alone took me a couple of weeks to get down on paper and then typed up. I also did War and Destruction in one night. Then I have "The Only" chapter two stirring in my brain along with a fic that cant be posted here. :P Anyways... reviews would be greatly appreciated since that is what my muse, Herb the gerbil, is looking for.

Herb: She's lying. She wants the reviews all to herself.

Lucratcia: bonks Herb on the head Go run on your spinny wheel thingy. Give me more ideas.

Lucratcia to her readers: Just ignore him. kthxbai.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: I definitely got a bigger response out of this one than I expected. Hopefully I can get this second part out before too long. It really was supposed to be a long one shot but now its in two parts maybe even three. added tidbit Yeah, took way longer than expected. Major writers block and always having fingers bandaged from meat slicer at work, not to mention visiting the emergancy room once, and all these fun fights with significant other half has not been making writing very possible.

Ok, to clear things up, I never intended to end it where I left chapter one off. I chose to end it there as to not make it an -extremely- long one shot, which it still kinda is, just broken down to easier digestable bits as a continuation of sorts... did that make any sense whatsoever?

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is definitely not mine. The song lyrics that I will be using are by the band called Hurt. The song itself is called Rapture. Very sad song.

Warning: It's about to get ugly.

Hurt

Part 2

"What did I do wrong? If anything, I would say that you wanted to do that as bad as I did." That's the problem. I wanted those kisses and those touches and more. I have wanted them for a long time and I want more. God help me, I wanted more.

"I can't Heero," I cried out. "I can't do that."

"Can't do what?" The doorknob rattles again. "Duo, open this door." I heard some clicking noises, but other than that Heero had gone silent. A moment later a heavy wieght settled on the bed beside me. I should have known a locked door wasn't going to keep him out of the room. My body went rigid as I hunched up against the wall trying to get as far away from him as possible. It wasn't very far considering my bed was quite small. Tears were trickling out of my eyes, but at least Heero wouldn't be watching me bawl my eyeballs out.

"What did I do wrong?" He asked me gently. Nothing! Everything! That is what I wanted to scream at him. I wanted to punch and kick him and make him get out of my room. I wanted to cry into his shoulder as he held me and told me that everything was all ok. I could do neither, so I lay there as if mute.

"Duo? Come on, speak to me." Heero asking me to talk? I snorted at the irony. I rolled onto my side hoping my eyes were not all red and puffy and that there were no globs of snot stuck to the end of my nose. My eyes were still closed; I dont dare look into those prussian eyes anytime soon.

"What part of leave me alone and a locked door do you not understand?" my voice is hoarse and I am quite proud of the fact that it did not crack. I open one eye about half way and saw a look of confusion and hurt on Heero's face. That eye closed very quickly.

"I..." he started and then cleared his throat. "I can't just walk away and leave you alone. I need to know what I did wrong. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe I should not have kissed you. But you can not lay there and tell me that you did not want it too!" his voice hadn't raised a bit in volume, but by the time he had finished he was speaking in a harsh whisper.

"You don't understand," I mumbled.

"I'll continue to not understand until you talk to me, so try me." And silence filled the air between us. "Why are you doing that?" he questioned.

"Doing what?"

"Holding your cross so tight." Heh, didn't notice but when he mentioned it my hand started to ache.

"Just trying to find some measure of hope within the shreds of faith that I have left," I mumbled without thinking. Once I realised what I had said, I winced at my stupidity. Heero doesn't even have a religion, probably doesn't even believe in it. There is no way he could understand. Heero sighed. I cracked open the lone eyeball again to try to see his reaction. He seemed to be deep in thought with his eyebrows furrowed.

"Just go away Heero." Was there even a point in saying something like that? Of course he didn't move an inch.

"We're friends, ne Duo?"

"Um, yeah," I answer although I am not sure where this was going.

"But that's not where you want it to stay, right?" I didn't bother to grace him with an answer to that one. I thought it was damn well obvious what I wanted, what we both wanted. "Well, neither do I," he said almost too quietly for me to hear. Ok, two eyeballs open at that one. It also earned him a hard glare while my mind was screaming. No, this could not be. It was hard enough trying not to jump him every chance I got while trying to convince myself that he would in no way return those feelings. Why now? Why me? I can't be doing this.

Heero had his head down as if afraid to look at me. No big surprise, I had my eyes shut up until that last comment. He almost looked lost. Mr. Perfect soldier, nervous? Come on! He's not the one that just bawled his eyes out like some idiotic school girl. My mind was going a million miles a minute and it wasn't stopping anytime soon. I should say something though. Was he waiting for me to say something?

"Huh?" Yeah go me, Mr. Talkative at loss for any semi-intelligent words.

"Why do you think I moved in with you Duo? Either of us could easily afford an apartment like this. It was a chance to be closer to you, to find out if you felt the same."

"It took you this long?" I asked quietly, wonder very evident in my voice. Heero met my stare with a raised eyebrow. "Sorry," I mumbled as an afterthought.

"Duo," he said as he reached out and laid a hand on my shoulder.

"Heero, I can't."

"Can't what? I don't understand."

"No, you wouldn't. You can't."

"Try me. Please. I want to understand, to know." And God knew that I wanted him to understand and be able to comfort me in some way.

I sighed. I was nervous. I was torn. I wanted him to hold me as I cried. I wanted him to go away, even though him telling me that he liked me almost made me want to forget... almost. I didn't know exactly where to begin. How do you explain such things to a guy like Heero? Mr. Friggen Perfect Soldier Yuy. I fingered my cross, turning it over again and again in the palm of my hand as I was lost in my thoughts. A gentle nudge reminded me that Heero was waiting for an answer. I held out my cross as far as the short chain would go, showing it to Heero.

"This was given to me by Father Maxwell when he took me in as a child. Now, I dont want to go into all the details, because the past is dead and gone. Just know that Father Maxwell and Sister Helen took a chance by taking in a foul-mouthed street rat into their care. It was a Catholic Church, hence the priest outfits I used to wear and the cross I continue to carry. I went to some of the services, too long for a hyperactive kid like me. Probably didn't learn too much from that. But the Father and the Sister themselves, well, they are the ones that taught me the most.

There was this guy, couple of years older than me. Solo was his name. We were always together before he died of the plague. But past is past is dead and gone. That's how I got my name. His Solo, mine Duo. Two of a kind we were. It wasn't long before we realised that we didn't like girls, ya know? Sister Helen caught us one day well on our way to doing the deed. I think she was kinda expecting it, she didn't seem too surprised. Afterwards she gave us this nice long sermon lecture. Liking guys is a choice Heero. She explained to us that liking guys was not a natural thing, that it is not what God had intended for us.

After that, Solo and I were still the best of friends, just not like that. We respected the Father and Sister too much to disapoint them. I'd been dead long before becoming a gundam pilot. So I can't do this Heero, I can't. I've killed hundreds, thousands even, but we had to. We had the choice, but not much of one. But that can be forgiven, ne? But choosing to be gay, to like another guy, that is a choice that is not forgiven. I just can't do this," I finish slowly, my voice almost too choked to force out. The image of Heero swam in front of my eyes filled with tears that threatened to spill over.

In the life of the wrong a love lingered on, love lingered on to frustration.

"Don't you want to though?" he asked. His hand left my shoulder and slowly inched towards my face.

"Oh God yes," I breathed out. I watched, eyes wide, as his hand made its way closer. So close that I could feel the heat radiating off his skin. I gasped as his hand finally made contact with my skin, making energy dance across my skin sending shivers down my neck, through my spine, and all the way down to my toes. His fingertips were rough with calluses, but cool to the touch against my own heated skin.

"I can't disapoint them," I managed to bite out hoping that he would understand the sharp sounds that were supposed to words.

"You said it yourself, the past is dead and gone." Somehow he was closer, a whole lot closer. Must have happened as I was trying to decide wether to run or jump him or try to do both at the same time. My mind was a mess of thoughts that were no longer coherant.

"Do you like me Duo?" Heero asked. His voice was not pleading, did not even have any sound of hope in it. It was as if he was stating a fact and was waiting for me to confirm it. I nodded my head in answer, not trusting myself to open my mouth.

"Scoot over," he said, removing his hand from the side of my face. He gave a small chuckle when my eyes went even wider. "I'm not going to do anything. I just want to be close, okay?"

What was I supposed to say? No? I dont think so. Get out of my bed and room? I couldn't do that either. Here was Heero Yuy, the object of many lustfull dreams, wanting to be near me in -my- bed. Knowing that I would definitely pay for this later, I shrugged my shoulders and made room on my bed for him to lay down beside me.

"It's not you that I am worried about," I said with a snort. Gah, I should really think about what I am going to say before I just let words come flying out. He gave a small chuckle.

"Sleep. I promise to do nothing but lay here at your side."

Sleep? How could I sleep with him next to me? We were both laying on our backs staring up at the ceiling. Well at least I was. I could feel the heat coming off of him keeping me warm in the cool night air. The spots on the ceiling were quite interesting for awhile, but then everything caught up to me and soon I saw nothing but the blackness of sleep.

When I woke up, the space on the bed beside me was cold and -I- was cold. I started to mumble incoherant obscenities under my breath, but the growling from my stomach drowned that out. The smell of eggs and bacon filled my nose and I felt that I could manage a partial smile. I shoved myself out of bed and headed towards the bathroom peeling off my clothes as I went. I somehow managed to turn on the water in the shower without burning or freezing my half awake rear end. When I finished, I did all the necessary morning duties including untangling my hair from my chain and cross. Fingering my cross brought images of the night before crashing into my mind giving me an instant headache and almost completely overcome with guilt. I had let another guy sleep in my bed. My best friend who wanted more than to just sleep there. I rush back into the bathroom barely making it to the toilet as I threw up everything that was in my stomach.

"Are you okay?" Heero asked. I turned my head and gave him a glare that would rival his on any good day.

"Oh yes, I am doing just wonderful, Heero," I retort. What little of my hair I had managed to braid ad come undone and was sticking out every wich way. My eyes were probably red and puffy and almost certainly bloodshot.

"You look like crap," he stated.

"Why thank you Captian Obvious," I throw out as I shove myself to my feet and barely manged to grab the towel before he had a full peep show.

"Duo..."

"Oh be quiet and move out of my way," I pratically snarl as I push past him. I hear him sigh behind me and ignore it. I already have enough guilt of my own to deal with. I really didn't need him to add to it because I hurt his feelings or something. Boy am I in a crappy mood this morning.

"I am leaving in five minutes Duo!" Heero yelled from outside my door.

"I'll take the bus," I holler back. I am searching through my room for a decent pair of clothes since I hadn't done laundry in forever.

"No you will not. Une wants you there early this morning."

"Great, just great," I mumble to myself. Ok, here's a pair of pants, slightly wrinkled but will work. I think I have a shirt somewhere over near my bed, but I need an undershirt. Now where is a tie. I know I have one somewhere. Heeerrrrreeee tie tie tie tie, here tie...

"You can use one of mine." I yelped in surprise, knocking my head hard against the bed frame. I was mostly under my bed searching for the aforementioned strangling device when in walks Mr. Yuy trying to scare the piss out of me. So yes, I yelped. Besides yelping, or afterwards, I created some pretty impressive curse combinations that would curl the hair of a sailor.

"Let's go," he said tossing me a black silk tie before he turned and walked out the door. Silk? Why waste that kind of money on a tie? At least it was black. You would think little 'ole me would be happy riding in the car with the guy of literally all of my dreams. Any other time I would be glad, ecstatic even, but now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the guy likes me too. Damn hormones. He's a guy. I'm a guy. Really not supposed to work.

Not supposed to work. Not allowed. Cant do this. Not allowed. I repeat this over and over in my mind as I try to slip my shirt on and follow Heero down to the car, food very much forgotten at the moment. My anger and frustration gave way to depression and it seems like all of the energy I did have just leaves in one sudden motion. I don't even want to go to work now. My nice warm bed sounds like a good place to go.

I'm about to give up on this infernal tie of his and turn around to go back into the apartment. I could just call Une and call in sick, she'd understand. I hope... And it just so happened that at the moment I go to turn around, I notice -his- butt. Why oh why, must my eyes have a mind of their own? It should be illegal to have a rear end that looks that good.

"Duo, if you do not stop oggling my butt, we are going to be late."

"I am -not- oggling," I spit out, very flustered.

"Hn."

We climb into the car and off we go. My stomach could not decide wether to be in knots or a gooy mess. It was the perfect way to start such a wonderful day.

I spent most of my morning in meetings and dodging the Q-ball. Somehow, he -always- knew when something was up. Maybe Heero had talked to him or something. Speaking of Heero, he just would not let me be. I really do not think he understood how much this whole thing was bothering me. I mean, yes, great, the feelings between us are mutual. God, I wish he wasn't a guy. But then I wouldn't like him if he wasn't. And here I am continuously arguing with myself at work.

It was right before lunch time. I knew Heero and Quatre would be after me, so I decided to run to the cafeteria before the mad rush and grabbed myself a couple of sandwiches. Then I ran my happy little rear end up onto the roof to eat my cold lunch, alone. The end of the day did not come soon enough. Running around dodging people left me with quite a pile of work on my desk. At least staying late I'd be alone. Or so I thought. A quarter after five, in walks Mr. Yuy.

"I was downstairs waiting."

"Well, as you can see, I'll be here for awhile," I snapped. Gee, a day at work did nothing to improve my mood. Go figure.

"If you had not been avoiding us all day, you would not have so much work piled up." I was going to deny running, but the look on his face told me that I better not even try that route. Instead I shrug and turn back to my computer.

"What do you think you are doing?" I pratically yell when he grabbed most of the pile.

"It's partially my fault, so I will help you finish." He walked out without saying another word, not leaving me a chance to even say a word about his actions. My head was whirling, which was becoming quite the normal thing lately. Heero never stayed after work, especially to help anybody. This is all I needed was for people to know somebody else was doing my work. Already too many thought I was nothing much more than a slacker anymore.

If this is how he expected to try to make me feel better, it was working to an extent. If he was staying that meant he was taking me home and although that did not seem like the greatest of ideas, it was still nice. I've become so uncomfortable around him though. It has become ridiculous. This is my best friend and I cant even go near him. Well considering we both want to jump the other didn't help one bit.

That thought brought many images to mind, several that were very inappropriate for a workplace setting. This was so not helping me finish the pile of work in front of me, nor was it making these slacks any more comfortable as they became tighter. It finally hit me that my thoughts, and the content of those thoughts and images, really had an affect on me. I had a significant bulge and my breathing had become heavy. And then in comes the guilt.

I can't do this.

This is not allowed.

This isn't right.

Not natural.

What would -they- say if they knew?

I covered my face with my hands, letting my forehead hit my desk. My conscience throwing lines through my head. Repetitions going and going in a dizzyingmadness making my head throb. A knock at the door startled me out of my thoughts.

"Duo?" It was Une. She looked a little worried, but at least it wasn't Heero standing there. "You okay?"

"Yeah, sure," I told her as I sat up making my hands busy by rearranging the folders and papers in front of me.

"Uh huh. Heero told me that you were a little out of sorts today." I rolled my eyes at that one. Sheesh, now he was sending people to look in on me. I did not want to be angry, but maybe I could use it to help myself out of this trouble.

"Now don't you go rolling your eyes at me. You've been here long enough. Go on and go home."

"I've go to finish," I kinda mumble motioning towards my desk, any anger quickly gone.

"You heard her, let's go." Damn, when did he decide to show up? I sent a glare his way. Of course this has no affect on him whatsoever. Now I could protest andsay that I was just going to stay, but knowingthem, if I tried they would drag me out of here with nothing short of bodily harm. I grumble the normal obscenities as I stood, grabbed my jacket, and stalked out the door without a backwards glance to either of them.

"Take care of him Heero," Lady Une said staring off into the distance.

"I am trying to," Heero told her. He tilted his head in a slight nod, turned, and left the quiet building.

The ride home was quiet, too quiet even for me. Duo didn't even touch the radio and I rarely bother to turn it on. Everytime I glanced over to him, it was the same. He was staring out the window with sightless eyes, his hands continuously working the end of his braid. I knew he was upset and probably angry as all Hell at me. He was right when he told me that I would not understand. He, himself, has told me that the past is dead and gone. So why he hangs onto to it with a death grip is beyond my comprehension. Wouldn't those that he loved want him to be happy? I could make him happy, I know it. If he would just let me, I would do everything I could.

Maybe I had waited too long. I had to make sure. I mean, none of the others knew that I liked the long-haired baka that way. They always thought I was incapable of having any feelings. It wasn't that I didn't have any, I was just trained to never show them. I really did not want to come out tell Duo and then have him laugh in my face, thinking I wasn't being serious. Me, the so called Perfect Soldier, a coward? Damn straight when it concerned a certain violet-eyed man. Nothing I could really do about that one. So I waited.

I waited through the war, putting up with his endless nonsense that drove us all crazy, but at the same time the ball of energy known as Duo Maxwell slowly grew on me. We were children of war playing an adult's game who didn't even understand it themselves. I could not tell him then. It would have been a hinderance to our cause. I knew that. We all did.

But now, now I could tell him everything. The war was over, peace was here. We could actually work on living together. No war, no gundams, and nobody expecting us to save millions of people without a second thought. I could have stayedat HQ. They have rooms there for agents that don't go out and find apartments, or for those that are always on the move. But, to my surprise, Duo had asked me to move in with him as a room mate. I jumped at the opportunity, hoping this was the chance I had been hoping and waiting for. So I went and still I waited.

Months passed by as we lived together. Slowly Duo got closer. Of course I wanted him to, but I had no idea how to tell him that. So slowly, I became more uman. He taught me how to smile, how to laugh, how to relax and just enjoy things around me. It was only recently that I started tonotice that Duo acted differently around me and I began to hope.

During the war, there as no such thing as hope. We were to die young. We all knew that. Hope was an entirely foreign concept to me and I had no clue how to doeal with it. But, it didn't matter. The only person that I have eber been close to just might feel the same way towards me. So I waited until I would find the right time. I thought that I had found that time.

Of course my nerves were shot to Hell. Rarely is there something that will make me nervous, but there I was ready to trip over my own words. When it came down to it, I could not even find the words to tell him. I was so glad that he started that whole popcorn thing. It surprised me that he flicked the piece of popcorn and hit me in the nose, but I was even more surprised that I threw handfuls of it right back at him. And the tension was broken by a mere popcorn and pillow fight.

When I finally tackled him to the couch, when I finally had him, I could only say one word that had been running through my head since the begining of the war. Beautiful. He did not do anything to stop me as I kissed him. He even kissed me back and I wanted more, and to never stop. He wanted it just as bad as I did. It hurt when he pushed away, screaming and crying. I had no idea what was going on. Even afterwards, after he tried to explain, I still do not understand. Why, if two people like each other, could they not do something about it?

I had to find a way to make him see that this is okay. That -I am- okay. That I liked him a lot, that I wanted that to grow into something mroe. I looked over at him. The lights that we passed flickered across the pale skin of his face and caught on the metal of the cross that he now heldin his hand. That damn cross... Everytime he held it was hardly ever for the better. It's like he has to punish himself when he sees it or something. Maybe I could get him to take it off for awhile.

We arrive home, somehow in one piece since I do not remember anything of the drive besides looking at Duo. I was completely lost in my thoughts and just going through the motions. Duo slamming the car door shut brought me quickly back to the present.

"Duo!" I called to him, but he ignored me, stalking into the building. I sighed as I locked the car and pocketed the keys. I -had- to find a way to make him understand. This could not go on.

Finally we were home. Heero didn't say a single word to me the entire way which was probably a good thing. My mood was sour, I had a headache that was well on its way to a migraine, and my conscience had been wreaking havoc in my mind for the past couple of hours. So, if he had a death wish, he could go ahead and try to say something. As I stepped out of the car, I shut the door entirely way too hard.

"Way to go Maxwell, take your anger out on an inanimate object," I grumble to myself.

"Duo!" Heero called to me. I just ignored him and made my way into the house. He did not need my anger. Yeah, he was the cause of it, but it wasn't like it was entirely his fault. I just wanted to go inside, raid the fridge,and go to sleep -alone- in my bed. Knowing my buddy over there, this would prove to be an impossible task.

I had just settled on the couch with te remains of pizza when Heero finally came through the door. Instead of saying some snide comment, I remained silent and turned on the t.v. to some random channel. I needed noise, any kind of noise. The silence was too much. It made me think, and right now thinking would not do me any good. It would remind me of last night, of Heero, and of what my body wanted when I knew that I shouldn't be doing such things.

A short time later, the couch shifted as Heero sat down at the other end. At least he wasnt right besiede me, but at the same time I wanted him to be. Damnit, I wish things were not so confusing. I wish -I- wasn't so confused. Things were so much simpler before that damn kiss. ' To Hell with you Yuy,' I thought vehemently.

"Thought you did not like watching the news?"

"I don't" I answered around amouthful of food.

"Then why?"

"Noise." He raised an eyebrow, not understanding." "It fills the silence," I tell him. I don't even know why I am telling him this. Other than trying to convince myself that this is what best friends are for. You tell them the reasoning behind your actions and hope that they understand and won't judge you too harshly.

"Hn." Sometimes I wish he would do the same. I mean, who understands Heero Yuy in the slightest? I doubt he even understands himself half the time. He clears his throat looking everywhere around the room but at me.

"If you are going to say something, spit it out," I mutter. my eyes are focused on the t.v., but the blinking pictures are nothing but a bunch of meaningless jumble of colors.

"You were right," he said calmly.

"Huh?" There I go again with that word. Since when was I right and he was wrong about something. I half wanted to check his temperature, or mine for that matter.

"I do not understand. You told me that I would not. I have tried." I sigh knowing that a hot shower was going to have to wait. I knew thatthere was a good chance of this converstation happening. I should be anything but resigned, but I was tired and inside I ached.

"Heero, you were - are my best friend." The slip did not go unnoticed. He turned to me with a glare.

"You want it as bad as I do! And for some reason, a reason from your past, you refuse to do anything about it." He was almost yelling now as he jumped to his feet. I set the remainder of my food onto the coffee table trying to stay calm.

"I told you that I just can't," I say softly. Sincewhen have I ever been the calm one? Heero looked as if he was ready to climb the walls.

Inside I felt as if something was breaking. I knew this was the right way. Stay calm, show no emotion. Heero will just give up and go away. Thingswill go back to normal. Everything will be okay. In the back of my mind my conscience was singing praises and telling me, that for once I was doing the right thing.

"How can you be so calm?" he asked in an anguished voice.

"Because there is nothing I can do."

"Duo, I will only ask this once again." He started, but was quiet as if to gather his thoughts before speaking. There was an air of finality surrounding him, making me nervous, as if I wasn't nervous enough.

"Do you like me?" I nod. I couldn't answer. I forgot how to remain calm. I forgot that I was not supposed to feel anything but detatchment. My thrat had decided to close up making it impossible to talk and hard to breathe.

"Look at me Duo." It was said softly but it hit me as as hard as if he had yelled it. I dragged my eyes away from the t.v. and met his. I loved his eyes, such a clear bright blue, blue as the ocean when it meets the sky. "More than friends?" I wanted to say no. I wanted to lie, but I can't. I may run and hide, but I never tell a lie. So, again I nodded.

"But I-"

"I don't want to hear that," he said. He dropped down in front of me so that were were eye to eye.

If our love is so wrong,

what should we do alone,

or am I just a picture in a photograph?

Why are we stuck in this pantomime,

feering a god who died,

one who would not deny lovers?

"We like each other. Why can't we do something about it? See if it can become something more?" he said in a harsh whisper. Taking a deep breath he continued. "Should we just continue on alone without a chance at happiness? This is our chance. We were all told and had it drilled into our heads that we would never make it to this point. If we can be happy together, how could it be so wrong? Why would you refuse? Why are you so afraid? You said you don't believe in this god, just the people that took the chance and raised you. Wouldn't they want you to be happy? To find somebody that respects you and understands you?"

I wanted to say that I wasn't afraid, but that would definitely be a lie. I wanted to agree with him and say of course Sister Helen and Father Maxwell would want me to be happy. Just not with another guy. Everything about that was wrong. Even if it was the perfect soldier. Even if he wanted to make me happy and probably could do it. Even if I wanted the same thing.

"I was raised a certain way. How can I go against that? Tell me how!" I cried. My hands were shaking and I was trying so hard not to let the tears fall. Somewhere along the line my conscience decided tofinally shut the Hell up realising it was not making any difference.

I wanted Heero so bad that it hurt. Damn it! I deserved something good to come out of that God-forsaken war. Heero was that thing. He was a bit of happiness, a piece of good that made it through. But how can I give up my past so readily?

And I don't care what they say,

if what you need is your faith,

then take a look at my face and know

That 'till your rapture falls to pieces

until your rapture falls to pieces

find in me, the room to breathe

simple things, like suffering

"The past is dead and gone Duo. I know almost nothing of this religion of yours. Only the bits that you have told me. To me, it does not matter what they have said to you way back then. We are here now." I wanted to just nod and smile and believe everything was going to be okay. That the whole going to Hell thing was just used to make me scared since -they- thought it was wrong. But that couldn't be true. No, I can't even let myself start to think that! What am I doing?

You are going to go to Hell.

How dare you turn your back on everything they've done for you?

How could you let yourself like another guy?

So my conscience was very alive and apparently Hell bent on giving me another migraine while jumbling my thoughts so that it was impossible to think straight. My breath caught in my throat and I half choked when I tried to swallow. Tears began to leak from the corners of my eyes. I didn't know what to do or even what to say.

I jerked back in surprise, realising that Heero's arms were wrapped around my neck. What the Hell? I started to sputter as such and he just calmly shushed me. when he leaned back, my cross was in his hand. Anger instantly shot through me as I thought of some good combinations of obscenities tothrow at him as I made a grab for my cross.

"What the Hell do you think you are doing, Yuy?"

"Everytime you hold this or it catches your attention it is as if you are reminded of something and must punish yourself," he answered as calm as ever. When did the tables turn and he become calm while I got all worked up? I wanted to yell back a denial, but I had to admit that with the familiar weight gone, a burden seemed to have been lifted off my shoulders.

"I wore it to remember Father Maxwell and Sister Helen and what they taught me. Now give it back," I demand.

"I don't care what they say- have said. I hate seeing you like that. If what you need is your faith, take a look at my face and know that I will never leave you. I will -never- betray you. I will always be there for you. Duo, trust me. Believe in what is here and now," he pleaded.

Something inside of me broke and the tears finally came steadily. It wasn't anything loud or embarrasing, just a quietcry of finally letting go. I leaned forward onto his shoulder. Strong arms wrapped around me and for once I felt safe.

"Help me forget. I just want to forget," I mumble repeatedly between my hiccups and cries.

"I will," Heero said softly. "I will."


End file.
